14+ Months Ago
"Our dream is that hopefully one day we can have our very own concert." These were the words of Mavis just a year ago, which honestly sounded like a piqued dream. So idealistic that it can only be a dream. I was there sitting down @ NYH, totally alone among a sea of unfamiliar faces during the early tryout before school started. Within me was filled with a strong air of doubt. I could remember Jennifer being very honest about how the committee was practically the club and how the committee were holding on multiple positions. Yes 6 girls, Chongyan and Peiyi were not present that day. In a way I expected this, since I have had other friends who told me how pathetic the club was, and indeed it was.
12 Months Ago
I remember this was when we had our dance orientation. I turned up on the second morning, and I looked around. No surprise, I was the only guy and I remembered how Mavis was teasing me about my mega camera.
I won't deny the number of times how I have felt like fish out of water. I went for events such as MAF@Heartlands, and yes it wasn't my business. I will not deny how much I cringed when I saw these performances. Because this wasn't the contemporary dance I signed up for. I cannot recall the number of times I honestly felt like dropping out because things were simply going nowhere. Yet on the other hand I was idealistic. I knew of someone who could actually bring us in the right direction. I thought of Ryan, who I used to be under back in CJ. I remember speaking to Ruth back at the Hall 11 dance studio, and she was saying she wanted to approach Zaki to teach us. Yes, there were talks among the freshies (then) to actually bring in another instructor.
I won't deny the number of times I actually started suggesting to Mavis about how we need to do this, do that to make the club grow. Of course, I was only idealistic then. I wasn't fully aware of how the whole NTU system, the paperwork that goes behind the scenes. Everytime, Mavis would tell me why some things couldn't be done. I was discouraged, and often wondering if there was anything worth fighting for. I saw people come and go. Yes, I was still the last guy standing, and it felt pretty much natural by now. I was clumsy. I came in as a hiphopper and now I entered into the world of pointe, and pile and alot more ballet jargon.
I remembered how Jennifer was always all smiles despite all my nasty clumsiness. "Very good, clarence", she would say. Day after day, I still felt it was going nowhere. I remember they were opening up sub-com positions at this point of time. I had my reservations in running for anything. I remembered it was Xinying and Ruth and 2 others (no longer around) who ran for it. I told Mavis that I pretty much preferred to just give help whenever I can. Truth was, I didn't want to tie myself down because I felt that I might just drop out anytime.
9 Months Ago
We were prepping up for JDC. I remember Mavis asking me to send the photos. I suggested why not do a photoshoot.
These were big words coming from me. I absolutely had no idea. I remember asking Ruth to come down twice. Yes I was unsure, but I really wanted something big. To Ruth, I thank you for all the patience and for making you come all the way down to NTU just for this. To the rest of you, Mavis, Hailin, Peiyi, Chongyan, thank you for even trusting me to do this and letting me figure things out. When I saw the photos, I was finally thinking maybe I could really do something for the club at last. At about this time, I was also in the JDC Mass Fusion item, and this was actually the time where I actually met face to face, other dancers from MJ, Salsa, Chinese Dance, Kinetics, etc. I can safely say even at this point of time, I still wasn't exactly proud of saying "I am from Contemporary Dance", given the reputation we had.
4 Months Ago
"Hey we got Ryan," Mavis told me on MSN. I could not believe those words. Suddenly, things felt like they were changing for the better. "But we might not be able to afford him." Those were scary words. "Also, we may have financial problems because NTU is cutting down on our funding this year." I had mixed feelings at this point. The only reason why I clung on this long was that I longed for change. It was finally here but there was still much to do. "So how many people are there in your club?". I remembered how Mavis and Jennifer would always be stumped by this question. That was the truth. We don't know. People came and go, we could no longer have a confirmed namelist. Yet at the same time we dared not just remove people, because this was a club that was so small, we will just end up with next to nobody.
As much as Ryan was an awesome choreographer and instructor, it was true that there was no way things could happen if people didn't want to get things done. Much had to be done...
Ok I shall spare the rest a history lesson. What I feel that I need to say here, is that the journey for me has always been filled with doubt. Often, the struggle felt like it was a battle in vain for. I often doubt the club's inability to grow seeing the slow progress after 2 semesters. I shall not deny that I am a highly result-oriented person and I can only regret on not having the faith that you seniors possessed. Where many have left and given up hope, you girls have shown what determination and dedication can result in. You girls (Mavis, Jennifer, Hailin, Peiyi, Kaiwen, Chongyan) have done what I could never have and for this I salute you.
I understand the turbulent past and how my actions have often times caused problems for you girls, but you all will always be the ones getting things sorted out without complaining, to the extent that I was completely unaware of the inconvenience until I was finally told one day. Even during the concert, you girls have done so much that each time I see you girls break down into tears from the crazy stress, it really pains my heart. For this concert, I didn't want to be the letdown anymore. I understand that some of you still doubted due to my inability to meet deadlines, but believe me all I genuinely wanted was to make this the best possible show it could be under such extenuating situations (lack of budget, manpower, tight timeline, etc.) And even up to this day, whatever you girls have done will forever be remembered by the few of us who have witnessed the arduous journey to be here, a year after. The magnitude of your dedication and hard work will forever serve as an inspiration to me each time my inner demons get the better of me.
To the surviving few in my batch who have remained long enough, I applaud you too. I remember how impossible things really looked when even Ryan was all stressed up at O'school cause he really saw nothing at that point. You girls have given the seniors all the support they needed to ensure this concert could happen.
To the rest of you who have joined this year and reading this, I cannot stress enough how grateful I am for all of your hard work and undying dedication to make this happen. I understand some things were not running as smoothly as they should have been, but I am touched by your decision to still remain in the concert. This concert would not have been a success without you guys and I thank you for that.
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